Weighing In

To weigh or not to weigh…oh wait, I've got that Shakespeare thing going on again. Today's blog is about whether or not to weigh daily, weekly, or at all, for that matter.


For years I never even glanced at the scale. And then when I did finally make myself climb aboard, I wanted kill myself, or surgically remove my unwanted fat with a butter knife, so I suppose that's where I developed my aversion for weighing with any regularity.


When I joined weight watchers the first time, it was the weekly ritual, as it always is with Weight Watchers. And then, especially when you're losing regularly, that scale becomes the best form of validation on the planet!


When I was in college and dieting with my roommate, I also participated in a psych experiment on dieting. Funny, I kinda forgot about that. They weighed me in once a week while on my diet, and chronicled my weight loss as part of their experiment. Participating in this experiment also raised my psych grade a half a grade, so it was a win-win for me. But once again, when you're continually losing, getting on the scale is a good thing.


After college, I weighed myself occasionally for a while, but then got out of the habit. And gradually started to put on weight. In retrospect I would wonder if there was a correlation between weighing and keeping my weight down, but at this point…I know better.


Between college and my last successful Weight Watchers attempt I can't recall getting on the scale too often. Naturally it was never a pleasant experience, so I avoided it like the plague. But when I was seriously losing weight on Weight Watchers, that's when I decided to upgrade from our regular analog scale, to a slightly expensive Tanita digital scale. This way I could know what to expect when I went to my Weight Watchers meetings. Because if you know me, you know I always like to be prepared. Always planning, always have to know, can't be spontaneous if my life depended on it.


At some point in the Weight Watchers process, I started weighing myself daily. And kept a running list of these weights. I especially paid attention to this when I finally achieved my WW Lifetime status, and no longer weighed in weekly at the meetings. And as the scale would rise and fall so would my mood.


For a while, weighing kept me on track. If I put on a little weight, I knew I had to be more diligent to take it off. I also knew my weight fluctuated depending on a whole host of factors. Salt is a HUGE issue for me. I just look at a salt shaker and I start to retain water. So I am aware of natural fluctuations. And I do believe those natural fluctuations caused me to fluctuate right up to my current weight. I kept waiting for the scale to fluctuate back down, but alas, it never did.


To this day, I still weigh myself daily. And I still record it in a little notebook that sits beside my computer at home. I actually hide it in a drawer when guests come over. Do I really think everyone is going to rifle through the papers in our office??


I am aware that some people feel it's detrimental to weigh in daily. After doing it for so many years, I am almost numb to it. I see the number rise and fall, and still it impacts my mood. Anyone who really knows me, knows when that number on the scale goes down, because I become elated!! You would think that alone would make me stick to my diet! But apparently not. I still seem to need some additional external motivation. So if you have any, please feel free to share. I’m all about trying to make this process better so to end this blog, I pose a question to you. What motivates YOU to lose weight?

You do the Math

You may have noticed in my first post that I mentioned how I lost 20, gained 20, lost another 40 and so on, and so on. I toyed with the idea of declaring my actual weight then, now or in the future. I figured that if anyone really cared, they could probably do the math themselves. Course I say that, not being mathematically inclined (I can't even balance my checkbook!) but I assume the average person could calculate, within a reasonable amount, what I weigh now. And that brings me to the crux of this post. Why don't I post my current weight?

It's just a number, right? And while I am trying to be SO honest about my struggles with food and weight, there's just something about revealing that actual number. Sort of like standing naked in front of people. It strips away the flattering pants, the sweater that perfectly highlights my eyes, or anything else that camouflages the actual number on the scale, and puts it right out there, for everyone to see, making me…just oh so vulnerable!

And what's in a number, anyway? A number by any other name, oh wait, I was channeling Shakespeare for a minute there. But what is in a number anyway? It's just that digital display on my scale. The digital scale that measures to a tenth of a pound, the one I HAD to have when I was following weight watchers so diligently. Can you spell…A N A L?? Yeah, ok, I am, or I was, I have mellowed out a little about the scale, and about the number. Obviously I have, otherwise I would never have allowed myself to put on all this weight. There was a time when if the scale moved just an eighth of a pound too high, I would go into total melt-down until it fluctuated back to what I deemed to be an acceptable weight. Ahhh I sometimes long for those OCD days, at least I was fairly thin then, or more importantly, (and as you learn about me, you will realize JUST how important this is to me) ALL MY CLOTHES FIT. Just the sound of that makes my heart flutter. But that's a topic for another post. Can't cover everything in the first two posts or whatever will I write about in the future? Oh, trust me, when it comes to food and diet, I still obsess enough to fill five blogs a day!! I suppose it's just a matter of putting it on paper.
So, back to my original question…do I post my weight here on my blog? For the entire world to see? Or for my one follower to see (at this point, anyway.) I am optimistic that others will join the bandwagon to follow my blog at some point. So, do I strip myself virtually naked in front of them?

I don't know. There's something comforting about just not telling. Keeping something of mystery to intrigue all my future followers? I know myself, though. Eventually I will tell, but right now…I think I'm just a little too new, and a little too insecure at blogging to totally strip away all of my camouflage. So I think I will put off posting the actual number, for a little while anyway. Perhaps as I warm up to my potential audience I will reveal all. Or maybe I will wait till I reach a more "reasonable" number. At this point, I don't quite know. But once I figure it out, you will be the first ones to know.

Very First Blog Post

Ok, I'm a little nervous. I've never blogged before, but I think it will suit my writing style. The purpose of this blog is twofold:

1. I hope it will prove to be therapeutic in my weight loss attempts, as well as keeping me more accountable, not to mention being (hopefully) helpful and entertaining to others
2. An attempt to keep me writing, especially as I approach unemployment

Back in Jr. High, my English teacher, on whom I had a crush but still can't recall his name, suggested I keep a journal just to keep me writing. I did that...for years. The good, the bad, I chronicled it. I had a vast collection of what were in the 70's called 'nothing' books filled from cover to cover. I remember my college roommate wanted to read them, but I wouldn't let her. I finally disposed of them when I moved from MA to TX in an attempt to purge before moving. Secretly, I didn't want my new husband to catch a glimpse of some of the lower points in my life.

As is my typical style, I am sort of babbling. I want this blog to chronicle my weight loss attempts, or adventures, if you will. Forgive me if this blog is not great, it, much like I, am a work in progress.

But, before I conclude my very first blog entry, I do need to give some weight loss background, because otherwise it really wouldn't be a weight loss blog, now would it?

I was a fat kid. I was grew up being plus-sized before plus-size existed. I remember the family slides, one in particular where my Dad snapped a shot of me at a family cookout, a profile shot, and my mother had made the most unfortunate choice to dress me in horizontal stripes. No wonder I have nine million complexes about my weight. I looked pregnant in that shot, and I was only eight years old!! My siblings never missed an opportunity to tease me about that slide either.

When I was 17, a friend convinced me to join Weight Watchers with her. I did. I lost 40 pounds. I looked better. Still about 30 pounds from where the average 17 year old should be, but definitely better.

I went off to college, and gained the usual freshman 15. Although in my case it was closer to 25. I stayed that weight all through college until the last semester of my junior year. My roommate Lori was working on a psych experiment for a class, and enlisted me to join her in the experiment. It turned out to be the "perfect weight loss storm" for me. I had a crush on a guy in my English class, another friend had convinced me to take a gym class with her, and Lori and I were doing the 'Jane Fonda' workout nightly. All three things caused me to lose again 40 pounds. Once again...I looked better.

I graduated college (never did get the attention of that guy I had a crush on) and did the usual up 20 down 20 routine, till somewhere along the line I forgot to lose an additional 20. I lost 10 pounds when I first met my now husband. I was so enthralled I just couldn't eat. But then I gained 10 right before the wedding because he gave me a bread maker for Valentines Day a few months before the wedding. Hmmm enabler you say??

Back in 2000 I again joined weight watchers. This time I enlisted a co-worker to join me. I had just lost my father, and my mother's health had rapidly deteriorated due to diabetes and her lack of taking care of herself, and I vowed, I would not let what happened to her, happen to me. Maybe it was the 'perfect storm' again, cause I lost that magic number of 40 pounds...again. I was probably, for the second time in my life, at a normal weight. Comparatively I looked FABULOUS. But even then, I wished I could get some liposuction, a personal trainer, and anything else that would help make me look like a Victoria Secret model. When I think back on it, I looked pretty good for a middle aged chick. But alas, my head would never allow me to think like that.

Over the course of the past ten years, I quit smoking, but still managed to maintain my weight loss for several years, till gradually I started to gain weight again. I leveled off at a 20 pound gain. I stayed there for a few years, then my thyroid went a little crazy and I seemed to put on 20 more pounds overnight. The additional 10 came out of nowhere. Before I knew it, I was approaching my heaviest weight again. And alas, that's where our story begins....