I think I already established that I am currently on the high end of my weight range. Let me rephrase that, I am ALMOST back at my heaviest weight…ever!! Needless to say, it's not a good place to be, not for me anyway, since weight has such an impact on my self esteem. And, as if that number on the scale weren't bad enough, the real self-esteem crusher comes the minute I step into a store dressing room.
Let me preface by saying that I LOVE to shop!! I especially love to shop for clothes. I don't know where this love of shopping developed. Since I was a fat kid, I don't recall clothes being important to me early in life. I remember hating the whole thing as a tween 'cause I was fat and therefore not easy to fit. And I don't recall liking it too much in High School either, since again, I was WAY heavier than the average teen. So, I think my love of clothes shopping developed somewhere after college. That's when I became a "normal" size, and I actually thought I looked good in clothes, well some of them, anyway.
But you know, now that I think of it, I seem to be forgetting that I come by this love of shopping honestly enough. It's in the genes! No, not the jeans, I was right the first time, I inherited the "shopping gene" from my grandmother, Rose. She was a clothes horse from way back. She was probably there when they actually broke ground at the original Filene's Basement! Well, maybe not, but I did grow up shopping in the original Filene's Basement, and it was pretty much because of her. But you know, this shopping gene must skip a generation because my Mom wanted nothing to do with clothes shopping…ever!
Anyway, somewhere down the line my love of shopping grew. Over the years I also cultivated shopping buddies. My very first shopping buddy was one of my college roommates. We never shopped together in college, probably cause we didn't have any money, but somehow, instinctively, we knew we shared that bond. Lori and I lived in different states, so we would meet in neutral territory and shop the discount bargain places all day long! Ironically, we used to meet in the parking lot of a mall, but I don't think we ever set foot in the actual mall itself. We had a vast array of discount places where we hunted down bargains. We would meet early, shop all day, break to eat, then shop some more. Ahh those were the days!
Over the years, I have slowed down a bit regarding my shopping, I still love the thrill of the hunt, and still refuse to buy ANYTHING at full price. These days, though, I just don't have the endurance to do the all day shopping marathons like I used to. But more recently…shopping has become a chore. I've been in this place before, and it's never fun. Last time I was this size, I joined WW and lost a bunch of weight, which allowed me to shop with abandon because I was in, my opinion, a "normal" size, and needed to build a completely new wardrobe! Now…I describe myself as being in moose-sized clothes. Truthfully, I am on the threshold of plus size clothes, and that is usually the line in the sand that makes me FINALLY do something about my weight.
But…let's not forget XL!!! Let me tell you, being a fat kid was not fun, being tortured by other mean kids because my Mom equated food with love, was also not fun, but when size large no longer fits…now that's the scariest thing I've ever experienced!!
Those of you who have never been bigger than the average person cannot possibly understand the feeling of XL. It's kind of like branding, like Hester Prynn in the Scarlet Letter, but instead of a red A, I feel like I should be displaying a red XL stitched on all my clothing. My letter of shame, if you will.
I suppose I could go to the plus sized stores and start shopping there, (I know this is terrible, but I refer to plus sized stores as fat chick stores). Hopefully those clothes will be too big for me…hopefully! But for now, I am not willing to resign myself to this current weight. I guess I would rather shop the bigger sizes in the regular stores, where there is barely any selection, and certainly nothing cute to choose from. Which is worse, fitting into all the clothes at the "fat chick" store, or continuing to remind myself that I am getting too big for the regular stores? Maybe I will continue to troll the discount stores on the off chance I can find a few mismarked Larges and delude myself into thinking I am only the occasional XL.
Or maybe this will finally be my line in the sand, and make me finally do something about my weight, so those tales of XL will only be a scary memory. One can only hope…
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