Colonoscopy…a Diet Aid?

I’m not a fan of bathroom humor. Like that scene of Bridesmaids when they’re all in the bathroom wearing the expensive bridal couture, not my favorite part of the movie. I tend to like more sophisticated, spontaneous humor kinda like…my blog? Ok, don’t want to be too full of myself here (although I probably already passed that line), but I hit a milestone birthday earlier this year, and for achieving such a monumental feat, I was rewarded with the obligation of going through a routine colonoscopy. Oh boy!

Having never experienced one before, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. Now…well, I guess I’ve lived to tell the tale, so to speak. But rest assured I will NOT tell the tale. Well, truth be told, I don’t remember a THING about the procedure itself, which is how it SHOULD be, but the most disgusting part of the tale was the procedure prep.

But, true to my word, I will NOT go over the excruciating details. Let’s just suffice to say it was GROSS!! Aside from the gross part of the prepping, there was the day prior which I thought was going to be the hardest part, fasting. They advised only liquids, juice with no pulp, no milk products, soda, no food except clear jello. So, knowing how I obsess over my weight and dieting and all, I took this as perfect opportunity to use this as a dieting aid. I ate….nothing. I did cheat and have the usual two teaspoons of half-and-half in my two cups of coffee that morning, despite the fact that they said NO MILK in one’s coffee. I didn’t think they’d mind, so I guess I cheated on that front.

And I had planned to indulge in some sugar-free jello I purchased specifically for the occasion. I’m not a fan of jello. Even as a child when I Mom used to make the jello with banana slices suspended in it, I was just never a fan.

However, what I missed on the procedure instructions was the warning staring adamantly at in me, IN ALL CAPS stating not to have anything RED OR PURPLE. Well, gee, my choice of sugar-free jello was pretty limited to begin with. I had the option of purchasing either cherry or strawberry. I know I am probably the only person on the planet who does not like strawberries, and while I LOVE real cherries, the taste or smell of anything artificial cherry makes me want to gag! So, I picked the lesser of evils: strawberry. What I failed to realize was that strawberry was indeed RED!! So, I had to give up on the zero calorie ingested day and I broke down and ate two of my husband’s real jello in orange flavor. Man, did you know those little sugar filled jiggly things are 70 calories each?? I would NEVER waste calories like that on any normal day!

One of the things that surprised me about this day of fasting was that it wasn’t nearly as miserable as I thought it was going to be. Yes, it did mess up a perfectly good Sunday, one of only two days a week I get to get stuff done or goof off. But surprisingly, I managed to get quite a bit done around the house, before my husband and I ventured out to get our Thanksgiving turkey (fresh, not frozen!). And I even dragged the aforementioned husband out to do a little shopping for house stuff, which is highly uncharacteristic of him. I know he took pity on me both for not being able to eat, and also because I had “the procedure” ahead of me. Fine with me, got me out of the house, and FINALLY got those frames I wanted for these adorable little watercolors I picked up at an estate sale a while ago.

Anyway, I digress. My point was... it wasn’t so bad fasting. I found diet coke to be a very suitable companion during this time too. It helped me to keep moving and forget the fact that I didn’t get to eat anything! While my husband heated up the leftover spaghetti and meatballs I left for him, I ate those two 70 calorie orange jellos. But then the nightmare really begins. It’s not the procedure, it’s the prep that kills you. All the stuff you have to drink, and the subsequent outcome (no pun intended) of drinking all of that stuff. I will NOT give you details on the outcome (no pun intended) of the stuff that you drink, but the stuff itself that you drink is just disgusting. I mixed mine with sugar-free crystal light, and at first as I drank it I thought, ok this isn’t so bad, it just tastes like lemonade, but the more you drink it, the more disgusting you feel. And this concludes the details on this end (again, no pun intended).

After the procedure, my husband took me out for breakfast. I wasn’t really hungry so I had a cup of coffee and a pumpkin muffin. OMG it was the BEST pumpkin muffin I ever had!! But that’s not the point. The point was that I was still kinda tired and groggy so I didn’t want a real breakfast. After the coffee and muffin we went home and the FIRST thing I did when I got home was to weigh myself. How pathetic is that? I go through all the crap (again, no pun intended) of prepping for this procedure, then actually going through the procedure, all of which is EXHAUSTING but what’s the first thing I do when I get home? I strip naked and weigh myself. And lo and behold….I was down three whole pounds!! Kinda makes it all worth it?

No…no it does not!