Trigger Foods and the Women Who Love Them

Ok, I hate to be sexist here, but when it comes to weight issues, I always think of it in terms of women. I know men suffer from weight problems as well, as my gay friend emphasized to me recently, but I still see weight issues as more of a female thing. Maybe it’s because I am married to an impossibly skinny man, who has trouble putting on weight, a concept I STILL can’t grasp after 13 years of marriage. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t hear men whining about weight issues like women do. While I admit that some men have issues with weight, I don’t think they let that define them, like so many women do.

Here’s an example: I recently watched the movie “Couples Retreat” with my husband. There was a scene where the couples were instructed to take off their clothing leaving them in their underwear. All four of the women had perfect bodies as they stood in their bikini looking underwear. The men, however, ranged from not too bad, to downright fat. Not one of them looked hot, like ALL the women did. I pointed this out to my husband, who didn’t find this observation nearly as interesting as I did.

Anyway, on to the topic at hand. I have been dieting for the past five weeks. It’s a very restrictive very low calorie diet. I’ve lost weight, which is good, but naturally I am still obsessing on how much I still have to go. But, that’s not the topic of today’s blog. Today’s topic is about trigger foods. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, then you must not be a three time veteran of Weight Watchers like myself. Let me explain via a website called Fitshack:

Trigger foods are any foods that trigger you to overeat and/or binge. They are foods that you just can’t get enough of; one bite is never enough and one helping isn’t enough. Trigger foods can also lead you to overeat on other foods that initially you weren’t even thinking about eating if you feel guilty for eating your trigger foods in the first place! Some people could have just one trigger food category like ice cream, and others could be triggered by anything sweet, salty, or fatty.

So I am asking my readers to come out of the woodwork and tell me what their trigger foods are. I have several, mostly in the “carb” family, while I have friends who are totally addicted to sugar (you KNOW who you are, Susan!) But I will start off the confession:

Hi, my name is Donna, and I am addicted to carbs. Some of the particular items that torment me on a regular basis are as follows, and not necessarily in any specific order:

• French fries
• Chips (preferably the baked variety, but Jalapeno chips are my ultimate favorite, and they don’t come baked)
• Pasta
• Rice
• Mashed Potatoes
• Pizza
• Ice Cream

Truthfully, there are probably 20 others that are just not coming to mind at the moment, but these are the most predominant, for me.

French fries: OMG I could live on nothing BUT! I adore them. I guess I have a love affair with potatoes in general, cause I love potato salad, baked potatoes, twice stuffed potatoes, au gratin potatoes, potato chips. Yeah, perhaps I never met a potato I didn’t like. There’s a burger place that I like to go to JUST for their sweet potato fries. They overcook their burgers (I like my meat still mooing) so I order their chicken sandwich, with melted cheese and then I eat ALL of the sweet potato fries. YUM. My mouth is salivating, just thinking of it.

Chips: I originally listed this as potato chips, but beneath that I included tortilla chips. And you know, let’s not forget those veggie chips I always sample at the “healthier” food stores. I could sit down with a bag of family sized chips and EASILY eat the whole thing. If I manage to save half the bag for the following day, then I am doing well!

Pasta: Oh baby…come to mama!! I love it!! I don’t care if it’s a veggie pasta, white pasta, wheat pasta, any kind will do!! And almost any sauce over it will also do. I don’t discriminate when it comes to food! I will tell you this, when I was successfully following Weight Watchers, there was recipe I tried with elbow macaroni and lean hamburger, and tomatoes. I can’t remember exactly, I guess it was sort of a diet beefaroni (a non-diet version my Mom used to make from scratch!), but I recall eating the entire 6 portion casserole in less than two days. After that, I realized that I could no longer have pasta in my house. If I chose to eat it, I would have to order it at a restaurant, and not bring home ANY leftovers.

Rice: Well, it’s pretty much the same thing with rice that it is with pasta. I thought going from white rice to brown rice would make it less…palatable, but not so. See, I am not a fan of plain rice, white or brown. But I love, love, love any kind of flavored rice. My mom used to make two varieties of fried rice, which were not really “fried rice” but they sure were good, and come to find out VERY fattening as well. She also made Spanish rice, which I also adore. Now I make a garlic brown rice which is pretty tasty, but whenever I make it, I want to eat the entire pot of it. So, needless to say, I don’t make it much anymore.

Mashed Potatoes: I don’t know, doesn’t this sort of fall under the French fries category? While they come from my same beloved potato, I still see them as totally different dishes. There’s something amazing comforting in mashed potatoes. And much to my husband’s surprise, I am more than happy to eat mashed potatoes with absolutely nothing else. He, on the other hand, will ONLY eat mashed potatoes if accompanied by gravy. In fact, I kinda think he pretty much uses the mashed potatoes as a vessel in which to contain his gravy. Personally, I can’t stand gravy. I find it nauseating. I think gravy may be, perhaps, the only fattening food I find distasteful.

Pizza: Seriously, what more is there to say besides…pizza. The warm, crust, the melted cheese, the sauce, and the toppings of your choice. My ideal pizza is pepperoni and onion. But my husband doesn’t care for that, so we never have it. I pretty much like a pizza with a lot of toppings, and I am perfectly happy for those toppings to be all veggie. Despite my adoration for all carby things, I still do like my veggies.

And lastly….ice cream, how do love thee, let me count the ways. I have had a lifelong romance with ice cream. While it’s not a relative of my bready, potato-y, carby other loves, it still ranks right up there with them. I like desserts. Truthfully, I like to bake them more than I like to eat them, but I do like them. Let’s put it this way, I wouldn’t kick a chocolate mousse layer cake out of bed, but I would always opt for ice cream over cake or cookies. I’m pretty sure it’s a family addiction. I remember Sunday drives with my family. These drives were ALWAYS a quest for the best ice cream places in the greater suburban Boston area. This was led by my Dad. If he had his way, he would have eaten ice cream every day of his life. Hell, he would have probably been happy to eat it at every meal too! But I remember the hour long drives in the country to try out his latest homemade ice cream stand find. We had lots of local chain ice cream as well, but I know he was happiest when he found one of those perfect homemade ice cream stands.

And thus, my life long love affair with ice cream began. Both my sisters are the same way. I even recall one of my sisters telling me about vivid dreams she had about the ice cream going down her throat. You know, I have a vivid memory as well. I was in the fourth grade, and we had an assignment to write a paragraph describing ourselves as an inanimate object. I wrote about being an ice cream cone, and I was melting. That was the very moment I knew I wanted to be a writer. Somehow, it just doesn’t surprise me that my ultimate career goal in life is intertwined with food, and a trigger food no less!

Ok, now it’s your turn, tell me what your trigger food is. And any other information about said food that you wish to share!

Do You Want to Know a Secret?

As some of you know, I have recently been laid off. That in itself has caused some ups and downs for me. I am currently looking for a job, and also trying to explore any other opportunities that may come my way. So if any of you know of any job openings for incredibly talented writers, please be sure to let me know.

Meanwhile…it’s been kinda tough to try to be funny and entertaining as I usually am in these blogs. Ok, as I am in general. But I am hoping just the act of writing, and putting it out there for everyone to read, may help to motivate me to post more blogs.

I do have to admit that four separate people have asked what happened to my blogs, and I was very flattered to know that some people are actually reading them, and more than that, enjoying them.

Here’s a secret…I am embarking on a new diet adventure. But, I want to make a little headway before I reveal the details. So, hopefully I will be able to regale you with some interesting info on the weight loss front soon.

In the meantime, I just wanted to fill you in on what’s going on. Let you know that I am still alive and blogging, although perhaps not quite at my best just yet.

Here’s another secret, I am sort of at low point right now, weight-wise. My weight is higher than it has EVER been! I am beginning to think that unemployment does NOT agree with me. And the other part of this secret is that I am not wild about being unemployed. While my last job may have been less than ideal, there were certain benefits I derived because of it. I made some great friends there, I gained some valuable experience, and earned enough money to pay at least some of the bills.

Now, however, I am ready to move on. Ready to take on new challenges and adventures. I am not adverse to finding a job both in my field or perhaps in another direction. So, remember, if you know anyone who wants to hire a slightly chubby but VERY talented writer, please send them my way. Ok, but did I happen to mention VERY talented writer?? Ok, just trying to drive the point home.

So, have you been wondering what I’ve been doing since I’ve been unemployed? Well, it’s not the list of things I had planned to do, that’s for sure. I have not cleaned out one drawer of my bureau, or any closets. I do have to admit that I went through a brief period of cooking and baking (which may have more to do with my additional pounds than I care to admit), but I have STILL not pulled out my sewing machine and made all the nine million Christmas gifts I planned to create and give to all my family and friends. Oh well, perhaps they will just have to settle for my usual tin of cookies. Although…I don’t recall any complaints last year, except for a few groans about weight gain. Still, some of those homemade ornaments would be nice too.

I have been looking for a job, scouring all the job boards and sending out resumes. I have also been networking my brains out! I joined a professional organization, and was talked into becoming a board member. That has actually turned out to be a very good thing for me. I am the Director of Public Relations, and I am having some fun with it. So far I like the creativity of it, and I look forward to the social aspect of it as well, something that was severely lacking in my last job. And who knows, perhaps this may turn out to be a good career path for me. One never knows, does one?

But let’s get back to the issue of dieting and weight loss. Food has always been a huge source of comfort for me. Well, except for that brief period when I actually enjoyed exercising, cause then working out did calm me down somewhat. But, since I’ve been home, I think my hobby has been food. Need to cut that out before I can’t fit into a door, thus the reason I am embarking on a VERY strict diet. Ok enough for now. I want to post this, and I promise more details to come about my latest diet adventure!

Let's Get Physical

By now you may have noticed that I have yet to discuss…exercise! Let me reiterate the fact that I was a fat kid, so I was never exactly…athletic. And while I did play the occasional kickball game with my brother in our backyard, exercise, or anything physical, was not exactly…encouraged in my family.

I remember the dreaded mandatory gym class. And one of those experiences still haunts me. I don't recall the name of the game, but we as students followed the commands of the gym teacher kinda like a musical chairs sort of thing. The last one to follow the command was "out." I remember one particularly humiliating experience, where the sadistic gym teacher had me paired with a small thin boy, and she ordered us to do the "piggy back" command. There was no way in hell he was going to be able to support my bulk, so being that he was one of those smart geeky kids, he jumped on MY back. That was perhaps the beginning of the humiliation concerning my weight. So, with an experience like that under my belt, you are probably beginning to understand why I was not naturally inclined to do anything physical.

During my final semester at college, I agreed to take a phys ed class with my friend Maureen. The deal was Maureen took an English class with me, and I took a phys ed class with her. Since I was an English major, I had to take a class for English majors, while she merely needed to fill a core requirement. So, being the good friend that she was, she took a Major American Author class with me, and I took a basic exercise/aerobic class with her.

To be honest…I didn't hate the class. I didn't love it, but I don't recall hating it either. Plus, I HAD to go! I wouldn't let something as simple as a phys ed class ruin my grade point average, so I never skipped the class since attendance was the only thing we were really graded on. You know what, in my four years in college, that was the ONLY phys ed class I ever took.

After college I took the occasional gym class with my sister who worked at the YMCA and therefore got me in for free. And I recall joining a gym once called "Woman's Word" in an attempt to keep my weight down. I remember pouring myself into a leotard and tights for those aerobics classes. Funny to think back on that. But it was the 80’s so I guess leotards were in!

Somewhere along the line, I gave up on all things physical, and settled into an incredibly sedentary lifestyle. This lasted for years, and many, many pounds!

During my last "real" WW attempt, I came across something that motivated me to exercise like nothing else ever could: Activity Points! I remember thinking the people at WW were truly ingenious! They motivated me to exercise with food, or the promise of MORE food!! Based on my weight and time spent exercising I was allowed to eat more food. I LOVED it! It really worked for me. I then started walking!

After getting into a semi-regular walking routine, only to allow myself to eat more, I finally realized I actually started to enjoy those walks. I especially liked the early morning walks, when it was kinda cool and quiet outside. Somewhere along the line I added music to these walks. That made the experience even better! I can't tell you how much I grew to enjoy my morning walks with John Mayer. He and I had a regular date, and I actually started to love it!

I had my Saturday morning routine, get up, have coffee, head out for an hour and a half walk. When I came home I would shower, go grocery shopping, then clean the apartment. When I think back on it, my husband had it pretty good, cause he would sleep through the bulk of that, until I got to the vacuuming part. But walking in the morning used to give me so much energy, I got all my chores done early, so he didn't have to any. Yeah, life IS pretty good for him. And, I would go through the same routine on Sunday morning, except for the cleaning of course.

I kept this up for several years. Somewhere along the line I stopped walking, though, and started going to the gym. After all, my husband made me join the gym after we got married, and he even dragged me there, kicking and screaming for the first year of our marriage. Eventually he got out of the gym routine and thankfully, so did I. But, in an effort to burn more calories in less time I moved from the outdoor walks to the treadmill at the gym.

At one point, I was lured into signing up with a personal trainer. I admit, the fact that he was young and cute probably had more to do with it than I want to admit. But I got it in my head that I needed a trainer to get me into a good workout routine, then I would stick with it. I didn’t stick with it. What I did get out of it was a certain liking for the elliptical machine that he forced me to try.

Don’t ask me why, but for some reason that machine was not quite as excruciatingly boring as the treadmill. And, the more I did it, the more I liked it. I went from BARELY being able to make it through 20 minutes to doing a solid hour doing intervals, and bumping up the resistance.

I don’t know how long I did that, but I went to the gym about six times a week for several years. I fluctuated with my weight within five pounds, ten at the most, during that time. I realize now that it was the constant, almost obsessive, exercising.

Somewhere along the line I tapered off. I think it was when we bought our house. It needed much work, and I didn’t have the time to spend at the gym. That’s when I really started to gain weight too.

I realize now, that there’s a certain association in my head, Maybe it’s just that if I am spending this time exercising, I better be eating healthy as well. Either way, they seem to go hand in hand for me.

I am gearing up to get back into a solid exercise mode. I guess that means I need to start eating healthy again. And then, hopefully I will have some real progress to report to you!!

Happy Mothers Day Blog

I’m taking a break from our regularly scheduled blog to just enter a short little comment about Mother’s Day, and perhaps more specifically, my mother.

It’s Sunday morning and I am in the middle of my usual routine of drinking coffee, reading emails, playing some mindless games, and surfing the web. But it’s Mother’s Day, and as I am searching the web for the perfect chocolate mousse cake recipe (and I wonder why I have a weight problem?) I decided I could take a minute to be a little serious and sort of give a shout out to my Mom.

My Mom passed away several years ago. And I miss her…some days more than others, but naturally, today I miss her a lot. What I wanted to do was just to thank her for passing on her love of food and baking to me. Yes, I know that has been a HUGE (no pun intended) factor in my weight issues, but I do love to cook, which I apparently inherited from my Mom, and I especially love to bake, which I definitely got from her.

So, I just wanted to send a little Mother’s Day message out there to wish all the mothers who read my blog a Happy Mother’s Day. And if you’re reading this, and you’re not a Mom, be especially nice to your Mom today, if you’re fortunate enough to still have her in your life. And if not, be sure you’re especially nice to someone else’s Mom.

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone!!

Fat and Happy?

Years ago, in my "thin" days, or more precise, my "thinNER days" I went on a shopping excursion with a friend. We went to a neighboring town to visit our Mecca, otherwise known as The Outlet Mall. After a rather fun and productive morning of bargain hunting, we decided on a little respite, so we ventured into Outback Steakhouse for lunch. There we decided to relax by having a beer, then we proceeded to share a bloomin' onion (I LOVE those things!!), and lastly, we each had a salad. I know, the irony of a salad following a bloomin' onion is beyond absurd, but that's what we did.

After our meal, our adorable twenty something bubbly waitress asked us if we were interested in dessert, to which both of us declined. So she proceeded to ask us if we were feeling "fat and happy?"

Now I admit, I am sometimes a little too literal. But never in my dieting career had I ever put those two words together. I proceeded to discuss this issue with my friend, who probably wished for many more beers at that point, but the concept just alluded me.

There were many days when something bad may have been going on, or work was getting me down, but if the scale showed a good number, then my mood would change instantly! And I realize that since I spent so much time obsessing on every little thing I ate, that the scale was a huge means of validating all my hard work.

Back then, I was a little…OCD. Ok, maybe just a little more OCD, than I am now. And perhaps age has mellowed me a little, which might also have a correlation with my weight gain. But my point is the concept of being fat AND happy is still beyond my comprehension.

There are times when you just want to give up. You want to blow off the diet and eat with abandon! Burgers and fries, pizza, anything fried, mashed potatoes, but when the scale moves a little too high, past that line in the sand, or when you can't sit down in your favorite jeans, that's when you realize there is no such thing as being fat AND happy.

You know the whole psychological theory of the vicious circle. You're unhappy with yourself, so you eat, then you gain more weight, and it makes you more unhappy with yourself, so you eat some more. Well, I don't know about you, but it doesn't feel like eating is about hurting myself. It feels comforting, pleasurable, and safe. But the outcome: weight gain….always makes me VERY unhappy.

I look around and see people who are bigger than me, and people who are smaller than me. Are their lives really any better or worse because of their weight? And I look at some of those bigger people and wonder, do they not care about their weight? Do they think they look hot? Does it bother them like it bothers me? So why can't I just be content with myself the way I am right now and be fat and happy?

Part of me wants to blame the media for this attitude: magazines, television, Victoria Secrets, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition!! All these things make me feel badly about my body. And ok, I admit to being…FAT right now. But even when I wasn't fat, when I was truly within a normal weight range, I still FELT fat! And even back then I didn't feel fat AND happy!

Is there such a thing? Do you know anyone who really is content being overweight? I want to meet those people! I want to join them for burgers, fries, and milkshakes and discuss how they feel about themselves. Because I want a piece of that. I want to feel that way too!

And I wonder, is this strictly a female thing? Because it never seems that men worry about it as much as women. Because it's always in the back of my head that men are judged on what they do, and women are judged on how they look. I know you can argue that GQ and other men's magazines promote that "thin is in" idea for men as well. But I'm haunted by the expression, "You can never be too rich or too thin." That sort of speaks volumes does it not?

At any rate, while I am still going to strive to lose weight and get healthy, not only because of vanity, not even just because of the clothes(although that IS a big one for me), but mostly as I get older I realize my health will deteriorate. And I would rather enter that phase of my life in a healthy, well maintained, fit body, because then I would probably stand a better chance of at least being happy.

As for fat AND happy, I'm afraid that's a combination of words I will never be able to embrace.

Tales of XL and other Horror Stories

I think I already established that I am currently on the high end of my weight range. Let me rephrase that, I am ALMOST back at my heaviest weight…ever!! Needless to say, it's not a good place to be, not for me anyway, since weight has such an impact on my self esteem. And, as if that number on the scale weren't bad enough, the real self-esteem crusher comes the minute I step into a store dressing room.

Let me preface by saying that I LOVE to shop!! I especially love to shop for clothes. I don't know where this love of shopping developed. Since I was a fat kid, I don't recall clothes being important to me early in life. I remember hating the whole thing as a tween 'cause I was fat and therefore not easy to fit. And I don't recall liking it too much in High School either, since again, I was WAY heavier than the average teen. So, I think my love of clothes shopping developed somewhere after college. That's when I became a "normal" size, and I actually thought I looked good in clothes, well some of them, anyway.

But you know, now that I think of it, I seem to be forgetting that I come by this love of shopping honestly enough. It's in the genes! No, not the jeans, I was right the first time, I inherited the "shopping gene" from my grandmother, Rose. She was a clothes horse from way back. She was probably there when they actually broke ground at the original Filene's Basement! Well, maybe not, but I did grow up shopping in the original Filene's Basement, and it was pretty much because of her. But you know, this shopping gene must skip a generation because my Mom wanted nothing to do with clothes shopping…ever!

Anyway, somewhere down the line my love of shopping grew. Over the years I also cultivated shopping buddies. My very first shopping buddy was one of my college roommates. We never shopped together in college, probably cause we didn't have any money, but somehow, instinctively, we knew we shared that bond. Lori and I lived in different states, so we would meet in neutral territory and shop the discount bargain places all day long! Ironically, we used to meet in the parking lot of a mall, but I don't think we ever set foot in the actual mall itself. We had a vast array of discount places where we hunted down bargains. We would meet early, shop all day, break to eat, then shop some more. Ahh those were the days!

Over the years, I have slowed down a bit regarding my shopping, I still love the thrill of the hunt, and still refuse to buy ANYTHING at full price. These days, though, I just don't have the endurance to do the all day shopping marathons like I used to. But more recently…shopping has become a chore. I've been in this place before, and it's never fun. Last time I was this size, I joined WW and lost a bunch of weight, which allowed me to shop with abandon because I was in, my opinion, a "normal" size, and needed to build a completely new wardrobe! Now…I describe myself as being in moose-sized clothes. Truthfully, I am on the threshold of plus size clothes, and that is usually the line in the sand that makes me FINALLY do something about my weight.

But…let's not forget XL!!! Let me tell you, being a fat kid was not fun, being tortured by other mean kids because my Mom equated food with love, was also not fun, but when size large no longer fits…now that's the scariest thing I've ever experienced!!

Those of you who have never been bigger than the average person cannot possibly understand the feeling of XL. It's kind of like branding, like Hester Prynn in the Scarlet Letter, but instead of a red A, I feel like I should be displaying a red XL stitched on all my clothing. My letter of shame, if you will.

I suppose I could go to the plus sized stores and start shopping there, (I know this is terrible, but I refer to plus sized stores as fat chick stores). Hopefully those clothes will be too big for me…hopefully! But for now, I am not willing to resign myself to this current weight. I guess I would rather shop the bigger sizes in the regular stores, where there is barely any selection, and certainly nothing cute to choose from. Which is worse, fitting into all the clothes at the "fat chick" store, or continuing to remind myself that I am getting too big for the regular stores? Maybe I will continue to troll the discount stores on the off chance I can find a few mismarked Larges and delude myself into thinking I am only the occasional XL.

Or maybe this will finally be my line in the sand, and make me finally do something about my weight, so those tales of XL will only be a scary memory. One can only hope…

Peanut Butter is my Crack...

When it comes to food, I often go in phases. I will eat an abundance of fish, or beef, or for a while I was deeply into soups, and even slightly obsessed with a vegetarian chili recipe I found in Cooking Light magazine. In addition to main course phases, I am especially fickle when it comes to my snacks.

I am a snacker from way back! I recall a low-fat yogurt mixed with cereal snack (before you could even buy such a creation), sugar free based pudding shakes, (mix dry pudding with skim milk, ice, and a little vanilla), and I went through a rather long and severe diet ice cream stage, but as I have recently cut carbs from my diet, I have focused in on my recent snack infatuation, which is currently bordering on an addiction: peanut butter. Well, low fat natural peanut butter, as if that somehow makes it better.

A dear friend (Leanne, you know who you are!) recently encouraged me to try a low-carb diet. I have had so much success losing weight doing Weight Watchers in the past that I totally ignored the whole low-carb frenzy when it was in vogue. Instead, I insisted on towing the WW company line "All things in moderation" and tried to live by it. Course, if I had a solid grasp on "moderation" I would not have a weight problem to begin with, so I think that's where the chink in the armor began. But getting back to Leanne, I mean low-carb, she swears by it, and has been doing this type of diet for years. So, since Leanne is thin and pretty, (which means if I didn’t love her, I would hate her!) I decided to take her advice and try it, since it so obviously works for her.

At first I loved it!! I went from my "almost" vegetarian diet to ingesting massive quantities of protein, foods like beef, and salmon, and eggs, and tuna fish mixed with real mayo. It was so new, and exciting, and seriously, any diet that will let me eat real mayonnaise with abandon, is high on my list!!

So, I ate steak, fajitas, beef of any kind, really, and lots of it, since I didn't have to worry about how much I was consuming. And truth be told, I lost about seven pounds my first week. Of course, half of that weight loss was water weight, but still, the scale drastically dropped, and it made me happy. I thought I was on to the next great weight loss phase of my life.

After a while, I found myself eating the same things over and over, which is just something I typically do, and I'm usually ok with that. But after eating eggs and cheese every morning, I was starting to get a little bored with breakfast. But breakfast wasn't the biggest hurdle with this new low-carb lifestyle. I thought, since I was never a big sweets person, that I would be ok without all things sweet. But after weeks of protein, minimal veggies, and lots of high fat foods (mayo, bacon) I realized at night, I craved something…sweet.

I've never been a big fruit enthusiast. I like it ok, especially summer fruit, but I can easily pass on apples, pears, bananas until you realize you can't have any…EVER! Then you realize how much you actually do want these foods. Hmmm maybe that's the point of the whole low-carb thing, to make you realize just how much you miss things like whole grains and fruit.

In an effort to pacify my longing for sweet things at night…I gravitated to the first low-carb sweet thing I came across: Peanut Butter! Leanne suggested I could have "some" in an effort to kill that sweet craving. But I know Leanne, she somehow assumed when she told me I could eat "some" she envisioned me eating a tablespoon of it, or two, at the most! But for me, well let's just say I still don't have a grasp on the word Moderation!

So every night, after the usual routine of coming home from work, making, eating, and cleaning up after dinner. Spending a little time with my husband, I would bring the jar of low fat natural peanut butter with me into the living room and settle in with it while I watched whatever was on the dvr. I have learned to stay away from the food channel, despite how much I love it, cause it always makes me want to eat. You know, years ago, when I used to go to the gym for cardio almost daily, I used to change the tv at the gym to the food channel. Sort of counterproductive, huh?

I keep digressing off of my peanut butter topic, maybe because it's become just too painful to discuss. After a while, I couldn't watch tv without it. And despite numerous attempts to stay away (not buying it when I went to the grocery store), I would make quick last minute trips just to pick some up. I became truly addicted! And sadly, I was going through about a jar of it a week!

Let me tell you something, dieting may be hard, working out regularly may be hard, and quitting smoking was incredibly hard. But giving up that low-fat natural peanut butter was a experience I will not soon forget. I'm happy to say I am completely peanut butter free now. I did it cold turkey too, and it was excruciating. So hard....I don't think I can even talk about it without tears. But sometimes, in the late hours of the night, I just KNOW my husband is spreading that incredibly yummy stuff all over a slice of white bread. Full fat peanut butter on white bread! I ask you, does it get any more decadent than that, nutritionally? When the smell comes wafting in from the other room, despite his attempts to hide it from me…those are the times when I know, deep down in my soul, that peanut butter is my crack...

Weighing In

To weigh or not to weigh…oh wait, I've got that Shakespeare thing going on again. Today's blog is about whether or not to weigh daily, weekly, or at all, for that matter.


For years I never even glanced at the scale. And then when I did finally make myself climb aboard, I wanted kill myself, or surgically remove my unwanted fat with a butter knife, so I suppose that's where I developed my aversion for weighing with any regularity.


When I joined weight watchers the first time, it was the weekly ritual, as it always is with Weight Watchers. And then, especially when you're losing regularly, that scale becomes the best form of validation on the planet!


When I was in college and dieting with my roommate, I also participated in a psych experiment on dieting. Funny, I kinda forgot about that. They weighed me in once a week while on my diet, and chronicled my weight loss as part of their experiment. Participating in this experiment also raised my psych grade a half a grade, so it was a win-win for me. But once again, when you're continually losing, getting on the scale is a good thing.


After college, I weighed myself occasionally for a while, but then got out of the habit. And gradually started to put on weight. In retrospect I would wonder if there was a correlation between weighing and keeping my weight down, but at this point…I know better.


Between college and my last successful Weight Watchers attempt I can't recall getting on the scale too often. Naturally it was never a pleasant experience, so I avoided it like the plague. But when I was seriously losing weight on Weight Watchers, that's when I decided to upgrade from our regular analog scale, to a slightly expensive Tanita digital scale. This way I could know what to expect when I went to my Weight Watchers meetings. Because if you know me, you know I always like to be prepared. Always planning, always have to know, can't be spontaneous if my life depended on it.


At some point in the Weight Watchers process, I started weighing myself daily. And kept a running list of these weights. I especially paid attention to this when I finally achieved my WW Lifetime status, and no longer weighed in weekly at the meetings. And as the scale would rise and fall so would my mood.


For a while, weighing kept me on track. If I put on a little weight, I knew I had to be more diligent to take it off. I also knew my weight fluctuated depending on a whole host of factors. Salt is a HUGE issue for me. I just look at a salt shaker and I start to retain water. So I am aware of natural fluctuations. And I do believe those natural fluctuations caused me to fluctuate right up to my current weight. I kept waiting for the scale to fluctuate back down, but alas, it never did.


To this day, I still weigh myself daily. And I still record it in a little notebook that sits beside my computer at home. I actually hide it in a drawer when guests come over. Do I really think everyone is going to rifle through the papers in our office??


I am aware that some people feel it's detrimental to weigh in daily. After doing it for so many years, I am almost numb to it. I see the number rise and fall, and still it impacts my mood. Anyone who really knows me, knows when that number on the scale goes down, because I become elated!! You would think that alone would make me stick to my diet! But apparently not. I still seem to need some additional external motivation. So if you have any, please feel free to share. I’m all about trying to make this process better so to end this blog, I pose a question to you. What motivates YOU to lose weight?

You do the Math

You may have noticed in my first post that I mentioned how I lost 20, gained 20, lost another 40 and so on, and so on. I toyed with the idea of declaring my actual weight then, now or in the future. I figured that if anyone really cared, they could probably do the math themselves. Course I say that, not being mathematically inclined (I can't even balance my checkbook!) but I assume the average person could calculate, within a reasonable amount, what I weigh now. And that brings me to the crux of this post. Why don't I post my current weight?

It's just a number, right? And while I am trying to be SO honest about my struggles with food and weight, there's just something about revealing that actual number. Sort of like standing naked in front of people. It strips away the flattering pants, the sweater that perfectly highlights my eyes, or anything else that camouflages the actual number on the scale, and puts it right out there, for everyone to see, making me…just oh so vulnerable!

And what's in a number, anyway? A number by any other name, oh wait, I was channeling Shakespeare for a minute there. But what is in a number anyway? It's just that digital display on my scale. The digital scale that measures to a tenth of a pound, the one I HAD to have when I was following weight watchers so diligently. Can you spell…A N A L?? Yeah, ok, I am, or I was, I have mellowed out a little about the scale, and about the number. Obviously I have, otherwise I would never have allowed myself to put on all this weight. There was a time when if the scale moved just an eighth of a pound too high, I would go into total melt-down until it fluctuated back to what I deemed to be an acceptable weight. Ahhh I sometimes long for those OCD days, at least I was fairly thin then, or more importantly, (and as you learn about me, you will realize JUST how important this is to me) ALL MY CLOTHES FIT. Just the sound of that makes my heart flutter. But that's a topic for another post. Can't cover everything in the first two posts or whatever will I write about in the future? Oh, trust me, when it comes to food and diet, I still obsess enough to fill five blogs a day!! I suppose it's just a matter of putting it on paper.
So, back to my original question…do I post my weight here on my blog? For the entire world to see? Or for my one follower to see (at this point, anyway.) I am optimistic that others will join the bandwagon to follow my blog at some point. So, do I strip myself virtually naked in front of them?

I don't know. There's something comforting about just not telling. Keeping something of mystery to intrigue all my future followers? I know myself, though. Eventually I will tell, but right now…I think I'm just a little too new, and a little too insecure at blogging to totally strip away all of my camouflage. So I think I will put off posting the actual number, for a little while anyway. Perhaps as I warm up to my potential audience I will reveal all. Or maybe I will wait till I reach a more "reasonable" number. At this point, I don't quite know. But once I figure it out, you will be the first ones to know.

Very First Blog Post

Ok, I'm a little nervous. I've never blogged before, but I think it will suit my writing style. The purpose of this blog is twofold:

1. I hope it will prove to be therapeutic in my weight loss attempts, as well as keeping me more accountable, not to mention being (hopefully) helpful and entertaining to others
2. An attempt to keep me writing, especially as I approach unemployment

Back in Jr. High, my English teacher, on whom I had a crush but still can't recall his name, suggested I keep a journal just to keep me writing. I did that...for years. The good, the bad, I chronicled it. I had a vast collection of what were in the 70's called 'nothing' books filled from cover to cover. I remember my college roommate wanted to read them, but I wouldn't let her. I finally disposed of them when I moved from MA to TX in an attempt to purge before moving. Secretly, I didn't want my new husband to catch a glimpse of some of the lower points in my life.

As is my typical style, I am sort of babbling. I want this blog to chronicle my weight loss attempts, or adventures, if you will. Forgive me if this blog is not great, it, much like I, am a work in progress.

But, before I conclude my very first blog entry, I do need to give some weight loss background, because otherwise it really wouldn't be a weight loss blog, now would it?

I was a fat kid. I was grew up being plus-sized before plus-size existed. I remember the family slides, one in particular where my Dad snapped a shot of me at a family cookout, a profile shot, and my mother had made the most unfortunate choice to dress me in horizontal stripes. No wonder I have nine million complexes about my weight. I looked pregnant in that shot, and I was only eight years old!! My siblings never missed an opportunity to tease me about that slide either.

When I was 17, a friend convinced me to join Weight Watchers with her. I did. I lost 40 pounds. I looked better. Still about 30 pounds from where the average 17 year old should be, but definitely better.

I went off to college, and gained the usual freshman 15. Although in my case it was closer to 25. I stayed that weight all through college until the last semester of my junior year. My roommate Lori was working on a psych experiment for a class, and enlisted me to join her in the experiment. It turned out to be the "perfect weight loss storm" for me. I had a crush on a guy in my English class, another friend had convinced me to take a gym class with her, and Lori and I were doing the 'Jane Fonda' workout nightly. All three things caused me to lose again 40 pounds. Once again...I looked better.

I graduated college (never did get the attention of that guy I had a crush on) and did the usual up 20 down 20 routine, till somewhere along the line I forgot to lose an additional 20. I lost 10 pounds when I first met my now husband. I was so enthralled I just couldn't eat. But then I gained 10 right before the wedding because he gave me a bread maker for Valentines Day a few months before the wedding. Hmmm enabler you say??

Back in 2000 I again joined weight watchers. This time I enlisted a co-worker to join me. I had just lost my father, and my mother's health had rapidly deteriorated due to diabetes and her lack of taking care of herself, and I vowed, I would not let what happened to her, happen to me. Maybe it was the 'perfect storm' again, cause I lost that magic number of 40 pounds...again. I was probably, for the second time in my life, at a normal weight. Comparatively I looked FABULOUS. But even then, I wished I could get some liposuction, a personal trainer, and anything else that would help make me look like a Victoria Secret model. When I think back on it, I looked pretty good for a middle aged chick. But alas, my head would never allow me to think like that.

Over the course of the past ten years, I quit smoking, but still managed to maintain my weight loss for several years, till gradually I started to gain weight again. I leveled off at a 20 pound gain. I stayed there for a few years, then my thyroid went a little crazy and I seemed to put on 20 more pounds overnight. The additional 10 came out of nowhere. Before I knew it, I was approaching my heaviest weight again. And alas, that's where our story begins....